Hickory North Carolina - 7/16/09

I am visiting Hickory North Carolina for a few days. The very funny comedian, Jon Reep, is from here and much of his act relates to Hickory being a small hick town. By my standards it is far from a small town. This is coming from a guy that grew up in Smelterville, Idaho. The ultimate small, hick town. My measuring stick as to whether I am in a small town or a city is whether or not they have a Hooters. There is one Hooters in the entire state of Idaho.

The metro area of Hickory is roughly the population of Wyoming (which contains no Hooters). It does have a small town atmosphere though. While the bowels of most cities are great places to become a victim of crime, Hickory’s downtown has been developed and is a wonderful place to explore. It gives the impression of a city park. While there, we stumbled upon the Olde Hickory Tap Room and had a great dining experience. Even though it was midweek, this place was happening. I can’t wait to experience it on the weekend.


But hick town it may be. I am staying at the Marriott. I had some things to mail and approached the desk to get direction to the post office. There were three clerks at the desk. They looked at me like I had asked for the coordinates of Vulcan. They came to the consensus that they indeed could not provide me any usable information. Unbelieving, I further inquired. I was told that even though they know how to get to the post office, they could not tell me how they do it. I think Columbus had a better idea how to get to India than these ladies to get across town.

But they were helpful. They said they had stamps and offered to mail the correspondence for me. Relieved, I asked if they had a scale so we could apply the appropriate postage. They did not have a scale but said they just guess the postage. Since I wanted the parcels to actually get to their destination, I declined their offer. One of them then opened a binder and handed me a slip of paper that had directions to the post office typed out. It was older than the photo on a real estate agent’s business card but proved helpful. Instead of street names/numbers it used landmarks: Outback Steak House, ABC store, green house, white church, brown dog. No references to any street names/numbers.

I found the post office with relative ease but did realize the difficulty the clerks were having in offering me assistance. The street numbering system in Hickory is one of the most original and confusing I have ever encountered. For instance, there is a 3rd Ave SE, a 3rd Ave SW, a 3rd Ave NE, and a 3rd Ave NW. None are directly connected. It is easier to get around Baghdad negotiating IEDs.

I was relieved that the post office utilized a scale and did not guess the postage. I think my shipments have a 50/50 chance of arriving at the desired addresses. And that is about all we can hope for.

Baseball on Television - 7/11/09

Today I watched the Fox broadcast of the Yankees and Angels and though my Yankees got drubbed it was one of the most enjoyable games I have ever watched. What made it so pleasant was that for most of the game there were no announcers. I do not know if it was a technical problem or not but it made the game amazing. I often turn off the sound during a televised game to avoid the inane comments of the announcers. What made this broadcast even superior to a muted version is that I could still hear the sounds of the ballpark. It was just like watching it from the stands. I could hear the crowd, the crack of the bat, and the pop of the ball into the catcher’s mitt. I could hear the Angels fans boo Alex Rodriguez as he hit two home runs.
While announcers were essential to a radio broadcast, they are totally unnecessary for television. There is not one announcer that enhances the game for me. They spend most of their time stating the obvious. “That pitch was high and outside.” Really? I could have sworn it was low and away. Then they feel the need to fill any silence with ridiculous statistics and minutia. I don’t care that Jorge Posada bats .400 on Tuesdays following a new moon or that the Yankees are undefeated when leading by 10 runs in the ninth inning.

I can see and interpret all important aspects of the game without assistance, as can anyone who is enough of a fan of baseball to actually watch an entire game.

One of the most absurd aspects of televised broadcasts these days is the interview of managers between innings.

Announcer: “So, what does your team have to do to win this game?”
Joe Girardi: “It is important that we score more runs than the other team.”
Announcer: “What can Joba Chamberlain do to reduce his pitch count and number of walks?”
Joe Girardi: “He needs to throw more strikes.”
Thanks so much for that insight.

I hope Fox plans more of these announcerless games. I don’t usually watch baseball unless the Yankees are playing but I might start. Not really, when the Yankees werer not at bat I went over to CMT and watched my favorite film, Field of Dreams.

55 Flash Fiction Friday - "I Wish This Was Fiction" - 7/9/09

Each week G-Man of 55 Flash Fiction Friday challenges us to write a story using only 55 words. This week I am writing a true account. I could not make this up.

I needed a late night snack
I grilled a slice of delicious Indian naan flatbread
I reached into my spice cabinet for cinnamon
This is when it all went wrong for me
I scattered a significant amount on the steaming bread

In bad light, Old Bay looks just like cinnamon
It tastes nothing like it

I have met the enemy and I like them - 7/07/09

I consider myself to be open-minded. I have traveled well and have been introduced to many cultures. I am not, by nature, a racist or a bigot. I evaluate each individual I come in contact with by their actions, never on their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, color of their eyes, accent, etc. I am proud to have raised three kids with the same values.

But, as many of my countrymen are, I am guilty of bigotry. In my mind, I lump the Middle East together: Iran, Iraq, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Libya, Jordan……….et al. All the Arab nations, to me, have all become one big lump of dirt and sand, indistinguishable. Much like Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and the Dakotas to me. The only difference is that I really don’t hate anyone from those God forsaken states. But, since 9/11, I have a knee-jerk reaction to anyone wearing a ghutra.

I have not had much contact with Arab people. I have been to the Middle East but only as a military member working on logistics and weaponry that would be used to shock and awe them back into the Stone Age. I avoided any but essential contact with the citizenry.

I have recently begun working with the American Hospitality Academy, where I have come in contact with young people from many countries. Three of the current interns are from Lebanon. The only things I knew about Lebanon was the Hezbollah (bad), hashish (good), Tony Shalhoub (a favorite actor), and Khalil Gibran (wonderful wisdom). The sad thing is that I probably knew more about Lebanon than 95% of my countrymen.

I have had the opportunity to talk to these students and as a result have done some research on Lebanon. I have found that Lebanon is 30%-40% Christian, depending upon what account I read. I am not saying that as necessarily a positive thing as Christians certainly have wreaked their share of havoc around the world. I am merely stating that Lebanon is not totally a Muslim nation.


It is also not a pile of drifting sand. Lebanon has ski resorts, rich agricultural regions, and coastal plains. It is a very complex country with diverse cultures coexisting.


I have derived much pleasure from talking to these three people and they are among my favorites of the 100 interns that I work with. Their names are Ghaith Semaan, who goes by Gus (probably because we are too stupid to pronounce his real name), Krystel Ghanem, and Nour Mazraani. None of them have C4 strapped to their body (I have checked) and none of them are carrying hashish (I have asked).

Gus is the first Arab man I have ever spoken with other than from the back seat of a taxicab. He is an absolute gentleman, intelligent, respectful, and likeable, with a great sense of humor. I have become very fond of him and we often seek each other out for discussions. I intend to learn much more from him.

Krystel (left) is the most totally beautiful woman I have ever known, bar none. Her obvious outer loveliness is complemented by a charming persona, and a lovely soul. My day is never complete without seeing her bright smile and captivating eyes. Lucky for me, I see her nearly every day.

I have not gotten to know Nour (right) as well, but she, too, is an exquisite young woman that one cannot help but like. We joke about my early mispronunciation of her name, which is pronounced “Newrrrrrrrrrrr”. I don’t have the ability to roll the “r” enough to satisfy her. Looking back on my relationships with women, a focused rolling of the “r” could have had great benefit. Not everyone will get that.

The mission statement of the American Hospitality Academy includes “fostering international goodwill and friendships.” The intent is that the goodwill and friendship occur between the interns. A collateral benefit of the program is to teach a very old dog, new tricks. I have grown as a member of the human race from my contact with these fine ambassadors of a culture that I would have gone to my grave despising for no good reason.

55 Flash Fiction Friday - 7/3/09

Each week G-Man of 55 Flash Fiction Friday challenges us to write a piece using only 55 words.

One of the most exotically alluring women I have ever met.
A raven haired beauty.
Her eyes a shade of brown that Home Depot cannot conjure.
Her smile could reduce a man to road kill.
Were I 30 years younger and she were blind and/or I had chloroform and duct tape.
She would be mine.

South Carolina - I Love Her - Too Bad about the People - 7/2/09

I absolutely love living in Myrtle Beach but it is sometimes awkward admitting to being a resident of South Carolina. Any national publicity always results in us looking like a bunch of booger eating morons. I know you have probably seen this clip but a few years ago our representative to the Miss Teen USA Pageant embarrassed us all by her inability to coherently answer a simple question. Someone please translate her comments for me. I think at one point she said something about Osama. One of our best and brightest?

Our governor, Mark Sanford, has proven to be a complete jackhole on the national stage and we elected this tool to our highest office twice. He is the face of South Carolina.

But today I had the opportunity to experience South Carolina stupidity firsthand. A brand new bridge over the Intracoastal Waterway was opened and the ribbon cutting was yesterday. This is one of the signs for the traffic flow for the new bridge.


How embarrassing is this? Someone made the sign, someone approved the sign, someone hung the sign. One sign could have slipped through the rigid Department of Transportation quality control, but two?

There is an advantage to living in a state where an IQ above the temperature reading qualifies one for MENSA. I enjoy being one of the smartest people in the state. No question why all the best colleges and universities in the Carolinas are in North Carolina.

The really bad thing is that I am certain this stupidity is not limited or indigenous to South Carolina.


It is just where I am able to observe it daily.

Heads or Tails - "Tool" - 6/29/09

Barb S at Heads or Tails provides a weekly prompt to challenge our creativity. This week's prompt is "tool". As usual, when I participate, I write the first thing that comes to mind. This week is no exception. Here is my carefully crafted post for this week. It is the most factual post I have ever written:

Bernard Madoff is a tool.

Dutch 101 - 6/19/09

I have recently taken a job as a shuttle driver. I transport interns from their quarters to resort hotels that employ/train them. The company I work for is called American Hospitality Academy. I absolutely love this employment. With my level of road rage, it is surprising that I would enjoy piloting a 15 passenger van through Myrtle Beach summer traffic with house music blaring from the radio. I have displayed to my charges some new hand gestures and words they may not have been familiar with when another driver makes an incredibly stupid maneuver. I will write more posts about my continuing adventures as an underachiever, but today is about my daily encounter with a foreign language. Although I have traveled extensively abroad, I am essentially unilingual.

The majority of the young people that I convey are foreign students. Though they come from the far corners of the world, the preponderance are young ladies from The Netherlands. Oddly, there are no Dutch men in the program, only women. No complaints here. This would be an appropriate place for an inappropriate joke about fingers in the dyke, but I will take the high road. I don't think Hans Brinker even knew Ellen Degeneres.

Though they are exceptionally beautiful women and extremely nice, they speak only Dutch to each other. Through our contact, I have had the opportunity to overhear countless conversations in their native tongue. It is a very harsh language and requires a large amount of guttural throat action, with lots of consonants. Ks and Zs are very prominent. Sounds a little like Klingon. There is probably a reason you have heard many French, Spanish, and Italian songs, but probably none in Dutch. It is not very melodic. It makes German sound like poetry. Hearing this language on a daily basis, I don't think that a woman had anything to do with Vincent Van Gogh cutting off his ear and I now know why Eddie Van Halen never sings.

I will demonstrate by taking a verse of one of the most beautiful poems ever written, translate it to Dutch (very roughly) and then back to English. I invite you to read it aloud in Dutch and enjoy the flow. Then, have some fun imagining if Elizabeth Barrett Browning was Dutch and her works translated to English for our pleasure.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

Hoe denk ik houd u? Laat mij tellen van de manieren. Ik houd u aan de diepgang en breedte en hoogte mijn ziel kunnen bereiken, wanneer gevoel buiten het gezichtsveld van de uiteinden wordt en Ideal-Standard Gratie.

How think I keep you? Me lets count of the manners. I keep you to the load water-line and breadth and altitude my soul can reach, when feeling becomes outside the face field of the ends and Ideal-Standard Grace.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand some Dutch words. Let me teach you some:
Hallo = Hello
Pardon = Excuse Me
Ja = Yes
Kat = Cat
Wat = What
Unfortunately, they don’t use enough of those type words to allow me to eavesdrop. There is one word they use constantly. It is “echt”. They tell me it means “really” but it sounds more like they are trying to expel a hairball.
There is another phrase they use often: Onze bestuurder is een vet dit. I will let you translate that if you are sufficiently interested.
As you can imagine, we have a lot of fun on our daily commute.

55 Flash Fiction Friday - 6/11/09

Each week G-Man of 55 Flash Fiction Friday challenges us to write a piece using only 55 words.

A soulless beauty. Perfect combination of soft and firm. He realized he didn’t have the assets to keep her interested. No surprise she is ending it. She still wants to be friends. He considers that option. She possesses no qualities that he values in a friend. He passes. He watches her sway away. No regrets.

Your Tax Dollars at Work - 5/21/09

I was in the VA Clinic recently and a stack of brochures caught my eye. They were tri-fold, multi-colored on glossy paper. My first thought was that they must have cost a fortune since obviously thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands were printed. Here is the brochure.

I then imagined that there must have been a breakthrough in the field of suicide prevention in the years since I had manned a hot-line and these pamphlets were essential to get the word out. Interested, I picked up the brochure and read.

RECOGNIZE THE SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS

1. Thinking about hurting or killing yourself
2. Looking for ways to kill yourself
3. Talking about death, dying or suicide
4. Self-destructive behavior such as drug abuse, weapons, etc.

Wow! What Algonquin Round Table came up with this information? This is groundbreaking stuff that really needs to be distributed, regardless of the cost to the taxpayer. When VA funding is so limited that they can't prescribe medications that are critically needed to treat vets, providing this information is obviously a higher priority. Who would have guessed that the above could lead to suicide? Glad we now know. "I am thinking about killing myself, what could a possible outcome be?"

But the pamphlet continued:

ADDITIONAL WARNING SIGNS MAY INCLUDE

1. Hopelessness, feeling like there's no way out
2. Anxiety, agitation, sleeplessness, mood swings
3. Feeling there is no reason to live
4. Rage or anger
5. Engaging in risky activities without thinking
6. Increasing alcohol or drug abuse
7. Withdrawing from family and friends

Oh, now I get it. Suicide stems from a negative mental outlook on life. Just think how many lives could have been saved if we had only known. So, conversely, happy people are not a suicide risk. We can thank the federal government for clearing that up for us. A million dollars well spent. And that is just the printing. It is impossible to gauge the research and funded studies that went into creating this document.

55 Flash Fiction Friday - Dog walk

Each week G-Man of 55 Flash Fiction Friday challenges us to write a piece using only 55 words. The following came to mind this morning. I am posting it early as we are off to the mountains this weekend and I didn't want to forget. I have been lazy about posting lately. Not everyone is Shakespeare. Someone will GROK it I hope.

An Elke Sommer Doris Day, Pete Roses in Orlando Bloom. Took Snoop Dogg Christopher Walken down Nathan Lane to Rosa Parks. The Sun Myung Moon lit Alonzo Mourning sky. Julia Child played Lucille Ball when a Nate Dogg began to Chevy Chase and Gordon Jump. Jason Kidd and his Joyce Brothers threw a Chris Rock.

Three Word Wednesday - "Service, Opportunity, Quarrel" & 55 Flash Fiction Friday - 4/29/09

Once again, I have combined today's prompts of "service, opportunity, and quarrel" from 3 Word Wednesday with the constraints of using only 55 words from 55 Flash Fiction Friday. Those prompts led immediately to this thought.

They had just had another, alcohol induced, quarrel. He retired to the couch and she flew solo in the king-sized bed. A foreboding thought flashed into his mind as he gazed longingly at his service revolver. He had investigated enough cases to know he could never get away with it. Opportunity, means, motive. The trifecta.

3 Word Wednesday - "Deceit, Indulge, Oath" & 55 Flash Fiction Friday - 4/22/09

I have combined today's prompts of "deceit, indulge, and oath" from 3 Word Wednesday with the constraints of using only 55 words from 55 Flash Fiction Friday. This is the first thing that came to mind.

He had taken an oath…....”until death do us part.” That was nearly fifty years ago. Who knew she would live this long? That he would? They had both outlived passion and attraction. He considered indulging in an illicit tryst, but he didn’t have the energy for the dalliance, or the memory for the deceit.

55 Flash Fiction Friday - "Bang" - 4/17/09

The challenge from G-Man at 55 Flash Fiction Friday is to write a story using exactly 55 words.

It was heavier than it looked. He could hear his brother, Jerry, coming down the hall towards his parent’s bedroom. He pointed at the doorway and said “bang,” but the noise did not sound like bang at all. He would never forget the two simultaneous explosions. One in his hand, the second was Jerry’s head.

My grandson Carson - Carrying the Wainright Mantle - 4/13/09

The vast majority of people that share my family name spell it Wainwright. My clan does not include the second ”W". I have been told by a reliable source that the second "W" indicates wholesale inbreeding. I get annoyed when people insert it automatically. Even when I spell it out carefully to them, they throw in that infernal “W’. My name has been misspelled so often that I am certain I have an AKA on file with the authorities. I recently noticed that my mother’s name is spelled wrong on her death certificate. You would have thought they could have taken the time to get that right.
I tell you that to tell you this. There is only one person charged with continuing my particular Wainright family line. I have a half-brother, Chris Wainright, who has only daughters. My oldest son, Rick, has only daughters. My other son, Josh, has no children, though he desperately wanted kids. But the more he and his wife, Tia, are subjected to children of friends and family, the less desperate they are to procreate. That leaves my grandson Carson, the son of my daughter Carly, with the awesome responsibility of insuring a Wainright branch on our family tree. I remain optimistic. What do you think? Should I bring my swimmers out of retirement?