Friday, August 10, 2012

Mall Massage - Not For Pussies

I haven't written anything for quite a while.  The main reason is that I was not inspired to write.  Today I had an experience worth documenting:

Today I  went to the mall for no apparent reason other than the fact I hadn't been there for at least a year and wanted to see if it had gained any character during my absence.    It had not.  But I did explore the entire reservation.  I was not tempted to enter any business establishments, but an attractive young Asian woman lured me to a kiosk where massages were offered at a very reasonable rate.  I was in the military for 20 years and have more than once succumbed to the siren song of a Thairean masseuse, though never in the thoroughfare of a mall.

I selected the 30 minute body massage option, which seemed to be the best value.  The young lady arranged my mass on a very comfortable apparatus with my face positioned in the too small oval head-holder.  Then she proceeded to go at me like she was trying to get me to give up troop movements.  Holy crap!  Who would have thought that a 90 pound girl could inflict that much pain without us being in a relationship?  

She didn't appear to speak any English, but there may have been a time while I was rendered unconscious that she asked me nonverbally if the pressure was OK.  I wasn't about to let her break me and I don't think she could hear me scream through the suffocating cradle my face was wedged into anyway.  I think my lack of response gave her the green light to step up the torture.  I don't think she was aware of the humanitarian protections of the Geneva Conventions.  

Then I remembered that I had signed up for half an hour of this cruciation. To pass the 30 minutes, I began to silently recite an entire episode of Big Bang Theory from rote.  Then I realized that a half-hour episode only includes about 21 minutes of actual dialog.  There were 9 minutes that I had to silently endure without distraction.  Of course, I had no idea how long my periods of pain induced insentience lasted.

At one point she had both of her knees in my back and my arms pulled back like a human knee board.   Then she didn't think she was getting enough leverage to adequately turn my internal organs to pulp, so she called over a colleague to assist in repositioning my spleen.  They must have found my kidneys to be particularly problematic areas as they began using them much like a boxer uses a speed bag.  I don't know what internal bleeding feels like but I would definitely not rule that out.
There was a "happy ending" though.  That was the point at which the episode of the Big Bang Theory  in my head ended, she revived me, and  I stood up (with assistance of several  other Cambonese employees) and shambled over to the Orange Julius stand.  

A search on Web MD gives me confidence that my urine will return to a more normal, less rainbow, color within a few days.   I could find no information as to how long it would be before my spine realigned and I could once again walk upright.  At least as upright as I  normally do.