Saturday, October 20, 2007

It Is Good To Be King - Sunday Scribblings 10/21/07

I don’t aspire to be King of the World, just the USA. I would initiate the following laws for my Kingdom:

All Education And Commerce Will Be Conducted In English. Failure to Speak English: Immediate Deportation To Country That Speaks Your Language.
Tax Structure Will Guarantee That Educators, Military, and Police Will Be Paid More Than Any Professional Athlete or Entertainer.
All Employment Includes Child Care and Medical Care. Supplemented By Taxes Raised From Entertainers and Athletes.
Winning The Lottery And Keeping Janitor Job: Money Will Be Redistributed.
Littering/Graffiti: Death Penalty

You Can Bury Loved Ones On Your Own Property In Whatever Container You Wish.
You Can Sell Body Parts On Ebay.

If You Come In Contact With a Military Man/Woman In Uniform It is Mandatory To Shake Their Hand And Thank Them For Their Service. Failure To Do So Will Result In The Offender Immediately Trading Jobs With The Soldier..
There Will Be No Welfare Until There Are No Help Wanted Signs in the Kingdom. Failure Of Able-Bodied Citizen To Work (Unless Self-Sufficient): Deportation To Socialist Country Such As England Or Canada

Not Signaling for Any Maneuver That Causes Your Auto To Leave Your Lane: Death Penalty
Driving 20 MPH Under The Speed Limit: Death Penalty
Talking on Cell Phone While Driving (Not Hands Free): Death Penalty
Talking on Cell Phone While Serving Customers: Death Penalty
Talking on Cell Phone While Being Served: Death Penalty
Text Messaging While Driving: Death Penalty
Sending me a Text Message: Ass-kicking followed by Death Penalty

National Anthem Will Be Changed To “God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood”
Failure to Stand During National Anthem: Deportation To Country Of Your Choice
All Indian Reservations Will Be Closed and Native Americans Given Same Advantages and Requirements As Other Americans (I don’t care what happened prior to my reign)
Citizenship Is Not Automatic By Birth. All Prospective Citizens (Including Immigrants)
Must Perform 2 Years Community Service Prior To Being Awarded Citizenship. Can Be Military Service, Planting Trees, Picking Up Litter On Highway, Building Roads, etc.
All Citizens Will Be Referred To As Americans. Any Reference to Native American, African American, Italian American, etc Will Result In Citizenship Being Revoked and Deportation To Country Person Identifies With (Native Americans Will Return To Reservation Without Casinos)

Uttering The Phrases “That’s How I Roll”, “Keeping It Real”, “Slippery Slope” Or “Whatever”: Death Penalty
Blaming Anyone Other Than Yourself For Any Transgression: Death Penalty
Drinking And Driving Will Not Be An Offense But Anyone Causing Harm To Person Or Property While Intoxicated: Death Penalty (Do You Want To Take A Chance?)
All Children Will Wear Uniforms To School. Social Class Will Not Be An Obstacle To Learning.
Televising WNBA, Major League Soccer, or Billiards: Network Taken Over By State. Programming Changed To “All Seinfeld, All The Time”
Smoking In Restaurant: Death Penalty

Parent Yelling Criticism From Stands At Any Youth Sporting Event: Public Flogging
Middle Aged Man With a Comb-Over Or Pony Tail: Immediate Government Imposed Head Shave
Initiating Frivolous Lawsuit: Death Penalty
Currency Will Feature Likeness of Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, Elvis, and Walt Disney.
Shoplifting/Stealing: Death Penalty
Selling or Distributing Drugs To Children: Death Penalty
Abusing a Domestic Animal (Cat or Dog): Death Penalty Abusing Any Animal: Depends on the Species of the Animal

Wearing a Thong or Speedo in Public (body fat over 20%): Death Penalty
Wearing Low-Rider Jeans with stomach showing (body fat over 20%): Death Penalty
Keeping Your Seat on Public Transportation When Senior Citizen is Standing: Death Penalty Parents Who Raised You Can Be Prosecuted Too.
Total Religious Freedom Will Exist, However If You Harm Another Citizen or Destroy Property In the Name of Your Religion It Will Immediately Be Abolished.
Trying to Convert Someone to Your Religion: Must Attend Diversity Seminar
White Men Dancing: Death Penalty
Performing Karaoke of any song from the “Grease” Soundtrack or “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights:” Death Penalty

Any Television Program Broadcasting An Image of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or Rosie O’Donnell (List to Be Modified At My Discretion) Will Be Immediately Replaced With Seinfeld Re-Runs.
Living In America and Continually Talking About How Wonderful Your Home Country Is: Immediate Deportation To That Wonderful Country
Living On A Golf Course and Not Playing Golf: Death Penalty
Deadbeat Dads or Moms: Death Penalty
All Law Schools Will Be Closed Until It is Determined That We Need More Lawyers
Taking an Unapproved Photograph Of Any Other Citizen Regardless Of Level Of Celebrity: Death Penalty

Kidnap, Rape, Armed Robbery, Crimes Against Children: Death Penalty
Celebrity Expressing Political Opinion: Bad Review Followed By Death Penalty
Allowing Children To Scream and Misbehave in Restaurant, Movie Theater, Wal-Mart, or any Public Place: Children Put Up For Adoption, Parents Sterilized
A Training Program and License Is Required To Be a Parent. Violation: Children Put Up For Adoption, Parents Sterilized.
We Will Discontinue Trade With Canada As They Have Nothing We Want.

Legalization, Regulation, and Taxation of: Prostitution and Marijuana.

Abolishing Of All Seatbelt, Helmet, and any other laws written to protect us from ourselves.


Lucy said...

haha... this is one of your funniest posts ever, thanks so much for the much needed laugh this morning! I don't even know which line is my favorite... all seinfeld, all the time? Or sterilizing parents?? Wait... Death penalty for all those with driving faults... yeah... I HAVE to choose that!
( You have to apply for a job writing for The late night guys!)

Lucy said...

couldn't find your email addresss to ask you this... may i put a link to this post on my blog? My readers could use a good laugh too!

myrtle beached whale said...


Thanks for your kind words. Please feel free to link me on your blog. Since, it appears you are the only one reading my stuff lately, the more the merrier.

tumblewords said...

This is great! I wouldn't have thought about death for many of these stupidities but it sure makes sense now that you mention it! And the shaving of comb-overs is hilarious. Love it, love it! The photos are superb...

Sandie said...

So tell us how you really feel :)

Great post, on many days I feel the same way!

gautami tripathy said...

That was whirlwind of a post and I enjoyed each word of it!

myrtle beached whale said...

It started small and I got carried away. Thanks for reading.

raymond pert said...

You'll be the King of Corpses. Everyone will be dead. You'll need to build a double Grand Coulee dam just to run the electric chair!

myrtle beached whale said...

I have considered that. I think that once society learns to behave within the rules, through fear (you know, like Christianity), executions will slow down. Until then, I am just helping Darwin with population control. I am also letting the offender select his/her own method of execution. Am I a benevolent king, or what? What I have not revealed is that I am developing a way to use cadavers as an alternative energy source.

Inland Empire Girl said...

You don't mess around. No three strikes before you are out in your kingdom. Hail to the King... and thanks for sharing some those things that put all of us over the edge... i.e. comb overs,and ponytails...and could you work hard on getting that teacher pay idea going. (:

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Loved Pert's response. "The King of Corpses." Your Benevolence is Beyond all comprehension.

sundaycynce said...

Through the first five I was totally ready to give you my vote. Wasn't sure I quite understood 6 & 7. 8 was a bit questionable but okay. 9-body parts on ebay??--weeelll. Wish you had numbered them because after that I began to lose track of which ones I thought were an absolute stroke of genius and which I thot were a bit over the top. People using cell phones do irrate the stew out of me frequently, but I am clearly not as hostile about them as you are.
Eventually my mind began to go "How long did it take you to come up with this list???????" The reason is that I feel exactly as you do on many of them, but it would have taken me at least an entire week to remember so many of the "drive me crazy" things you remembered to enumerate.

Anyway, the post was hysterical and delightful and I wish some of our political leaders would use some of your suggestions and guidelines.

myrtle beached whale said...


I worked on that post for the better part of an hour. Most of that was spent finding appropriate photos. I have since considered clemency for littering. Perhaps community service. Good idea, numbering the laws, like the Bill of Rights. Would you like to be my Attorney General?

Redness said...

You're a genius! When you get the US organized can you please pop 'downunder' your Kingship???

myrtle beached whale said...

Alas, I can never live in Australia. It seems nearly every member of your animal kingdom is deadly. If Steve Irwin can't survive there, I have no chance at all. I just watched a documentary on the box jelly fish and I believe my surfing days are over. I think "genius" is a bit strong, but I am "special". The teachers always said so.

Redness said...

Haaaaaaaaaa ... the job's yours, I'm sure you'll manage 'downunder'!

Anonymous said...

I am clapping with delight; you're my kinda thinker- this is wonderful with a capital W! Seinfeld all the favourite programme from yesteryear; and the cell phone one-Boy, do I hate it when I'm in a small, cosy restaurant and someone is using their cell at the table right next to me, loud as loud can be. I don't really wnat to hera about Aunt Vivien's ingrown toe nail.

This actually happened to me yesterday. If only I'd read your post first... Thanks for visiting my SS!

Jeques said...

I'm just really concern and afraid that when you become the King there would be no more subjects for you to govern - most would have been deported or gone with death penalties imposed. And People planning to immigrate here would have a second thought. There would be depletion of the market and business would not be good with less consumers from the fall of population. I will lose my job as a nurse because the most in demand job by then would be for embalmers and undertakers. The Funeral business would become in vogue, real estate, too, but more for grave yards. And I think their would be potential market for cosmetics for the dead, fashion shows would also cater for that market and top designers don't need to follow the seasons in their collection. If you become the King, I think giant car brands will switch to manufacturing trendy electric chairs. Pharmaceutical companies would come up with the most sophisticated lethal injection product.

But all these would last only for a couple of years. There would be silence in your kingdom when all your citizens are gone. And you would become a lonely king.

There is beauty in diversity. People think, act, live differently. The one person destined to become President, or ruler, or King is voted and I believe is annointed by whoever God you believe because taking the responsibilities of governing a country or kingdom is no easy task. In great power comes great responsibility - that's what spiderman was told and believed and I buy that. As a King, you would be governing not only subjects but humans with beliefs, with customs, with traditions, good and bad, in colors, but most of all with souls.

Reconsider your Laws.

Hahaha! This post is crazy and very funny - you don't expect this kind of comment don't you?

Well then, now you know there would be an opposition force with your kind of government.

I wish you well.

~ Jeques

myrtle beached whale said...

wow, you had to go way back to find this old post. One of your comments was about immigration. Immigrants would be welcome if they live by the rules of the kingdom. Enjoyed your comments.