Friday, December 14, 2007

Sunday Scribblings - Dance - 12/16/07




I am a hetorosexual, middle-aged white man. By definition, I am rhythmically challenged. But, if I consume the right amount of alcohol I will sometimes attempt to dance. It is the same amount of Jack Daniels that encourages me to take the microphone at a Karaoke. I am equally not proficient at both arts. I will address dance in this blog and save my Karaoke nightmares for a future submission.



On the dance floor I am often mistaken for someone having a seizure and as a result the onlookers feel pity and compassion instead of disgust and horror. So I have that going for me. There have been occasions in my life where I have had to dance sober. There are only a very few reasons for me ever attempting that endeavor. The first reason is that women nearly universally love to dance. I have been involved with women who insisted that dancing was the only real way to express my affection for them. Though I suggested other ways, I somehow ended up on the dance floor. Come to think of it that is the only reason I have ever danced without performance enhancing substances. But, though they work for Barry Bonds, they do nothing to enhance my dancing ability. Dancing without intoxication is a painful ordeal, much like dentistry without Novocain. I am aware that there is a beat to the music but it is not possible to command my body to respond to it. Slow dancing, though more enjoyable, particularly with the right female body type, presents an additional problem. Finding a space for my size 12 shoes to occupy that is not already taken. While slow dancing, my shoes seem to grow to clown-sized proportions.


In my high school days I always went to the weekend dances. I would usually be required to dance the last dance of the evening if I had any hopes of leaving with someone. Lucky for me, they always announced the last dance. After an evening of standing by the speakers being cool (and ruining my hearing for life), or watching the band, pretending I knew something about playing an instrument, sometimes even breaking into air guitar (we invented that), while the girls danced with each other much of the night, I would pounce on an unsuspecting girl, like a lion on a gazelle. I, like most of my friends, felt much too cool to dance throughout the evening, but one dance was a small price to pay for the possibility of second base and the much higher probability of striking out on three pitches. And no one would see me anyway because all the other guys were also scurrying to find what they hoped to be a horizontal dance partner. You had to move fast to get one of the easy girls. They were in short supply in those days. Of course, the girls had been dancing all evening and were at a stage of sweatiness that added to the allure.

I do enjoy watching people dance. It always amazes me when I go to a club and everyone knows all those line dances by heart. Everyone except me, that is. Do they practice at home? I haven’t been to a party in ages that didn’t include the Cha Cha Slide at some time during the night:

Slide to the left
Take it back now yal
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha Cha now yal
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I risk losing my man card for admitting this, but I love to watch “Dancing With the Stars.” The grace, the elegance, the skimpy costumes. I love watching dance in the same way I enjoy watching courtroom dramas, but I don’t wish to participate in either activity.

21 comments:

Lucy said...

well you had me smiling all the way till the clown shoes photo then,I couldn't help but laugh out loud. ( which I needed quite badly today, so thank you Rich!)
As for those line dances, I am the ONLY one that is Up there like a fool NOT ever remembering the damn steps. (you're smart to watch from the sidelines)
I would also like to share- For me anyway.. That you enjoy watching dancing with the stars doesn't take away your man card It gives you a 'gold man card'!

Go Figure said...

Risk? Risk? Risk losing your man card!!!!???? MyrtleBeach, me lad, on that there is no risk involved... It's a done deal. HA! Merry Christmas.

Go Figure said...

Middle aged huh? I didn't realize you were that much older than me. Oh, and the card, no risk, no risk at all... It's gone. Merry Christmas.

myrtle beached whale said...

hey Starr:
Lucy says I keep the man card. I am going with her take on "Dancing With the Stars." I am glad I didn't mention that I have "You don't bring me flowers" bye Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand on my IPOD. She may change her mind.

paisley said...

this was hysterical.. mainly because of how true it is... i am a female,, but i cannot dance without being drunk either...

Crafty Green Poet said...

This was a fun read!

Go Figure said...

Okay, even though it was "Lucy" that said you get to keep the 'man card' I defer to "her". However, I will note that you didn't address how much older you are than I am. HA! Yeah, you middle aged guys are forgetful. HA!

myrtle beached whale said...

Starr, Starr, Starr:

I know for a fact that you are a year older than me, though we both graduated the same year. I know that because of baseball age. I still had another year of Legion Ball after I came back from a year at the U of I.

Herb Urban said...

That was hilarious! I am right there with you. Give me hard liquor, or I'm getting nowhere near the dance floor. I have suffered enough humiliation from my days on the bar and bat mitzvah dance circuit in my youth.

Go Figure said...

Hmm. Guess that explains a few things,..such as my forgetfulness. Gee MB 'thanks' so much.

myrtle beached whale said...

I think being from Idaho is part of the problem. Idaho doesn't exactly celebrate diversity and everyone knows that only liberals dance.

Awareness said...

I loved your wonderful white man confessions......and you can keep your man card!

This was a very funny piece Mr. MyrtleBeach......I laughed at your self assessment and at the pics.

Personally, I love dancing and couldn't care less if I look like a fool flailing away on the dance floor.....though I'm sure I would embarrass the heck out of my kids!! oooooo that's kind of motivating. :)

yes, I'm a firm believer to dance like no ones watching...... it always makes me feel joy.

tumblewords said...

I thought dancing without drinking ended in 7th grade PE...Now, about the clown shoes. Funny darned post!

Anonymous said...

very funny, I always love reading your blogs, and I would love to see you dance!!

myrtle beached whale said...

I wouldn't dance if I was on fire. But I would stop, drop, and roll.

sundaycynce said...

Delightful read. Great pictures. Honest revelations.

Good job.

forgetfulone said...

Yep! They practice at home. Or they practice every night in the bar, right? Excellent post. Had me chuckling!

Patois said...

Love the photos you included, especially the clown shoes. Glad to hear about the male angst involved with all things dance.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the giggles... I'm the female version of you... my two left feet are better kept off the dance floor.

Dee
http://pavinganewroad.wordpress.com/

LittleWing said...

hilarious!!!...absolutely...

Just Jen said...

I won't tell anyone you watch dancing with the stars...cuz I got Hubby watching it with me...don't tell anyone either...lol
Merry Christmas!