Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Homophobe or just straight? - 10/12/2010

Yesterday, some moron called me a homophobe. So today, I have decided to create a post designed to separate the men from the boys, so to speak. I am going to explore gayness. Well, that was a bad choice of words. I am going to discuss male homosexuality. I do not claim to be an authority on this subject as everything I know about the gay lifestyle I learned by watching “Will and Grace,” American Idol, and The Winter Olympics.

The observations I make here are my own opinions and if you disagree, I don’t really care. The first comment I feel inclined to make is that I don’t think being gay is a choice. I think life is hard enough without choosing to complicate it in such a manner. I have seen elementary aged children that I took one look at and my GAYDAR went full scale. You have too. I have observed a man walking into a room and PING. They did not practice walking that way or talking that way.

I have nothing against gay people. I think that homophobic people are those that are not certain of their own sexuality. And those that try to quote some ridiculous Bible references are grabbing at straws. Those same verses condemn masturbation and eating shellfish. I will see you all in hell. That being said, I don’t think it is necessary to flaunt gayness by parading down 42nd Street, making out in Speedos. That would not be appropriate for heteros either, but I would be more likely to tune in. I believe everyone should be proud of who they are, but they don’t have to make everything into a broadway show.


Gay marriage is a huge political football. Though I think this issue is based more on economics than on love and marriage. Having paid my taxes as a single person for many years, I can understand the motivation for wanting to be able to file jointly. I have never understood why single people should bear more of the tax burden than those that can’t control their procreation. I am penalized for keeping my DNA to myself. I have considered marrying a woman I don't even like just so I can file a joint return. Families use more of the services of our infrastructure and should pay more taxes. But that is another blog.

I say, let them marry. Why should they be exempt from the “joys” of marriage? I can assure you that they would soon change the name of their lifestyle to something other than gay. Relationships are easy until you have a mortgage and a home to jointly keep up. You see how I used joint there?

As to whether gays should be allowed to teach our children, I don’t see why not. For some reason, it is vastly believed by the heterosexual community that all gay people just get in a big pile and randomly fornicate. I think that gay relationships are similar to straight associations, except the sexual roles are less strictly defined. I don’t know for sure if there are designated pitchers and catchers or if there are utility players. Excuse that baseball metaphor, as every event in my life can be summed up in either a sports or a Seinfeld allegory. I don't think one's sexual orientation affects their ability to try to teach Algebra to a class of dunderheads.

The big issue now is the military policy of "don't ask, don't tell." I served 20 years and worked with several outwardly gay people. I never noticed that it affected their job performance. I was under the impression that in the Navy they had been asking and telling forever. I will tell you this: if a person wants to serve my country, and possibly die for it, I do not care if their sexual preference is farm animals.

The gay people that I have known (not in the Biblical sense) have by and large been good people. There was a time when our local Ruby Tuesday’s wait staff was composed primarily of outwardly gay men, who only used their closet to store their wardrobe and countless pairs of shoes. Service was never better. I bought my BMW from an outwardly gay man and it was his gayness that sealed the deal. I am a disciple of the stereotype that gays take good care of their apparatus (sometimes I kill myself). I was correct. He had 10 years of service records, chronologically filed in a folder. This may not have been due to his gayness as much as his OCD.

As far as I know, none of my children are gay. The don’t ask, don’t tell, policy has always worked for us. But if they had been, it would not have changed the way I care for them, treat them, or love them. Yeah, I do prefer that they are not gay. So sue me. I am also glad they are not outlaw bikers, covered in tattoos and piercings, or are crack heads. I am sorry if I have now offended my crack head readers. I hate to be labeled as a crackaphobe too.

I love comedy. I LOL and sometimes LMFAO at jokes about gays, old people, handicapped people, rednecks, blacks, Mexicans, jewish people, lawyers, democrats, and particularly Arabs. To me, nothing and no one are taboo. So if my humor offends anyone’s delicate sensibility, I don’t really give a damn. "I'm here, I'm severe, get used to it." Please refer to the title of this blog before commenting.

I do want to thank the misguided soul that called me a homophobe for curing my writer's block and inspiring a blog post. It had been a while.

19 comments:

Roger Yale said...

Rick thanks for the Adam Lambert pic. He gave my daughter a hug once and I didn't have a moment of rage.

Anonymous said...

Very well written. And yes you crack me up on your word choices too. I'm with you that it is not a choice. Who in their right mind would choose to be with all the hardships they endure. Great opinion blog. Love ya. Carly

Shyam said...

I'm also thankful for the name-calling which led to a ROFL post from you! :) Damn but you're funny! I like jokes against anyone/anything as long as the jokes are funny. I dont like the ones I find mean-spirited - but I guess one person's mean-spirited is another person's ROFL. My example of mean-spirited:
Q: Why is a legless woman like a slug?
A: Both leave trails of slime when they're on the move.

Not funny.

myrtle beached whale said...

Shyam: I agree that is not funny. Well, maybe a little bit. How about this one:

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the blacks and Mexicans are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."

orionsbow said...

Brilliant as usual. I, too, have been called a homophobe and I guess, since I'm a big, white, southern guy, virtually anyone could make that misguided assumption. The words "phobe" or "phobic" imply that I am AFRAID of gay people. I am not. I just don't like them. I don't like the way gay guys swish around when they walk. It looks stupid. I don't like the way most outwardly gay men lisp when they talk. Sounds stupid. I don't like the way they act like women, fuss over women's clothes and gossip like women in a beauty parlor ridiculing "other" women. I don't like the way gay men sometimes think that they're women and think it's "cute" when they preen and primp and act flamboyantly, arms and hands flailing about, hands on hips and foreheads, feigning the vapors. I think that gay men look damned silly. I am not even remotely frightened that I might become one because they're around me or that any of my strong traditional values will be placed in jeopardy because gay people live near me or get married. I just don't like them, gay men that is. Pretty lesbians and bi girls are GREAT!

myrtle beached whale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
myrtle beached whale said...

Yep, you are a homophobe Mike. It can be fear and or contempt. It is your right to believe what you want to. You could even be a RogerYaleaphobe if you choose.

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog Rick! I believe that people who really hate gays have latent tendencies themselves that they are deathly afraid to look at. And yes, it is not necessary to flaunt it, and that goes for anyone gay, straight, or whatever! Bottom line is, who cares who someone loves? See ya at the park..... jb

intuitivetoo said...

I believe there are shades of gay. Levels of gayness. Let's call it grey gay. Some people are only gay when they have too much to drink and are starved for attention so they make out with their gf to get a rise out of a guy, some think it's fine for them to watch gay sex (ala a guy will say lesbians are fine, can I get in the middle) ....light grey. Some are "swishers" like orionsbow spoke of, or gay men and women who cringe at the thought of sex with someone on the "other team" .....dark grey. There is a whole spectrum of grey in between. Dark grey is not a choice. Light grey is.

orionsbow said...

But Rick, I don't like snakes or spiders either. Am I therefore an arachnaphobe or a herpaphobe? No, I'm not afraid of them, I don't LIKE them. I don't like brussels sprouts, soccer or the colors pink and black on a car. I'm not afraid of any of those things, I just don't LIKE them. Fear and dislike, even contempt if you want, are NOT the same thing.

myrtle beached whale said...

intuitivetoo: Yes, great point. Real gay as opposed to gay out of convenience.

Mike: I definitely an arachnaphobe. I am scared shitless of spiders. But I guess I am also an islamophobe. I am not scared of the sonsofbitches, but harbor a lot of contempt.

Shyam said...

Rick: Hahahaha, actually I thought your joke was funny! :) By rights I should be saying that it's racist, being of Indian origin myself... but I just found it funny.

Tell you what though, I'm an Orionsbowphobe. Definitely scared of the sort of person he seems to be, and if he's a friend of yours, I apologise and you dont need to publish this comment. It was meant for you, anyway, not him.

myrtle beached whale said...

Shyam: I consider this an open forum and all comments are shared. I think it creates communication and reduces misunderstanding. My friend, Orionsbow, is not someone to be feared. He is actually a good guy but speaks his mind. His orientation is somewhat right of Rush Limbaugh.

Shyam said...

Fair 'nuff. I believe you're the straight-talking kind, so if you say your pal is a good guy, I'm happy to take your word for it.

Got any more jokes? :)

Go Figure said...

Whale: I love comedy too, even lawyer jokes. One area you didn't mention...probably by mistake...is the one about the baseball pitcher that pitched a sterling game until one (just one) errant pitch from him was sent over the wall(s)and is, based upon a reliable source, still going. Well actually the funny part of the story, of course, is not the homerun. No it was the 'bases' that the pitcher had to run after the game for daring to get tired and throwing that one, just one, errant pitch. Ha!

myrtle beached whale said...

That is not funny at all. I am still scarred by that memory.

Forgetfulone said...

Great post, as usual! I think I agree with you on most of your points, but that isn't the point, is it? LOL I'm confusing myself. Not hard to do, usually.

Lena said...

Getting cought up on your blog (sorry I've been a slacker friend lately). As a Christian I'm supposed to say "being Gay is wrong" as a human I'm suppose to say "whatever". As me, I say "whatever makes you happy is between you and your God/belifes." I have several gay friends who I have known since childhood. They are awesome people and I wouldn't change them. Anyway, well said Rick! Also, a joke is a joke, no harm intended. If it's funny, I'll laugh at it!

PRW said...

you write beautifully. please, keep at it. I love your blog.