Thursday, June 12, 2008

Thursday 13 - Clean Jokes - 6/12/08

These are 13, totally clean jokes that I think are funny. Some are very old, that does not make them less funny.

1. A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and offered the dog a biscuit. Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "What a kind man you are, rewarding him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"Not kind," said the blind man, "I am trying to find his head so I can kick him in the butt."

2. A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"

"Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

4. Bert took his black lab to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

5. A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

6. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

7. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

8. Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

9. Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were rude. Bob tried to change the bird by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he heard it swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Bob was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour." Bob was astounded and was about to ask what had changed when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

10. A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

11. A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

12. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

13. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"


Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Pretty good ones!

kay said...

I enjoy good stories---some of these are cute ones. Happy TT.

Bubba said...

Never seen a TT with 13 jokes. There are some very good ones in there! I'm stealing them!

Jan said...

It's getting to the point that I am thrilled to see another posting from you on my Google alerts.

I spent at least 30 minutes rolling in the floor laughing, and passing these lame but utterly hilarious jokes on to all my friends. I'm not sure we share the same musical tastes (although that song "Cry" is AWESOME) but we definately have the same warped sense of humor. The snail one DID ME IN.

You are too much!


Brenda ND said...

LOL. Thanks for the laughs and Happy TT!

paisley said...

this was a blast.. clean,, dirty,, doesn't matter to me.. i love a good joke,, and all of these were good....

Redheels said...

Some really good ones. I loved #9 and #13.

I always enjoy your posts.

storyteller said...

What a FUN T-13!!! I enjoyed the laughter generated just now by reading your ‘13 Clean Jokes’ and have copied the LINK to share in tomorrow’s Saturday Smiley post so others can enjoy them too. I’m delighted you stopped by Small Reflections and left the link back here. I’ll look forward to visiting again as time permits.
Hugs and blessings,

GreenishLady said...

You managed to save the one that totally got my funny-bone til last. I enjoyed them all... smile, smile, chuckle, smile, chuckle..... haw, haw, haw, haw!!!

Thanks. Enjoyed that!

Lucy said...

hahaha Ive always loved that parrot joke!
great FUN idea!

Joyce said...

I especially enjoyed the one about the parrot . . . and the one about the dyslexic man . . . Thanks for the laugh. :)

Eaton Bennett said...

I can't remember them clean or dirty past the intial hearing ~ how do you do that? LOL :)

Anonymous said...

Brilliant phrase

Anonymous said...

Yes, in due time to answer, it is important