It is now, officially, the Christmas mailing season. Though I normally use the automatic postal centers so I don’t have to deal with lines or clerks, sometimes our APS is out of order or I need a service that it is not programmed for. I would love to use the online post office, but unfortunately it has the same limitations as the APS. So, this week I am going to list thirteen things that piss me off when I am forced to visit the post office. There are many more than thirteen, but this week I am exercising self-control. Now, I am a very tolerant person. My son even calls me "Captain Patience." But sometimes.......
1. Let’s start with the parking lot. All the basic rules of driving, good sense, and judgment are abandoned in the Post Office parking lot. All bets are off and it is every man for himself. Directional arrows become open for interpretation. Total chaos ensues.
2. People that give a crap what kind of commemorative stamp they buy to pay their utility bills with. They have to look at all the choices in the drawer while the rest of us wait. I would use any stamp I could acquire. If I found one on the floor that wasn’t canceled it would be on the envelope in a heartbeat. I would not lick it, but I would get moisture on it somehow. I don’t care if my stamp has Mowgli or Hanukkah on it. But I do draw the line at EID. They can kiss my ass. And they certainly shouldn't get a commemorative stamp. We are so politically correct that we even give people that bomb us a freaking stamp.
3. People who don’t even have their shit boxed up before they get to the window. They expect the clerk to provide tape, zip codes, and assistance while the rest of us wait.
4. People who wait for the Christmas rush to apply for a passport, open a mailbox, or ask ridiculous questions while the rest of us wait.
5. People who are too busy using their cell phone to complete the transaction at the window while the rest of us wait.
6. People that ask the clerk a question, receive an answer, and then want to argue; while the rest of us wait. The clerk did not make the rules. In fact, the rules are posted all over the Post Office. Perhaps you could have taken the time to read them during your forty-five minutes in line. I think the theory is that they waited forty-five minutes to get to the window, they are going to take advantage of it and get answers to every postal query they have ever had. Just as it appears they are going to walk away, they pull a Columbo, and ask just one more question.
7. People who don’t bother to bathe or apply deodorant prior to a visit to the post office. Nothing adds to the pleasure of a forty-five minute wait more than spending it next to a person that smells like feet and ass. Maybe they are wearing cologne, but it was purchased at a sporting goods store and was designed to attract rutting deer.
8. People that choose this time to socialize with me. It is never the pretty girl in line. It is usually the B.O. person (see #7). I enjoy idle chitchat, but they are usually all too happy to reveal personal details about themselves, including failing body parts and functions.
9. I realize the United States Postal Service is in financial trouble and are trying to market itself, but I am so tired of having the clerk recite a litany of extra services to me each time I mail a package. Do you want insurance, express mail, proof of delivery, delivery confirmation, Mowgli stamps, mailing supplies, etc? Actually, if I wanted any of those things I would have asked for them. What I want you to do is get this package to Tupelo, Mississippi sometime prior to my demise. I would prefer my package to endure the minimum number of kicks and throws available. Do you have a service for that? Actually, let me see all the stamps you have on hand. While the rest of them wait. Credit or debit? Would you like money back? Hell yes, I would like money back, but since there is none in my account, I don't think that is gonna happen.
10. People that arrive at the window with no working knowledge of English at all. They attempt to communicate their needs to the clerk with a series of hand gestures, clicks, and grunts while attempting to mail a television set to Belarus in a laundry hamper while the rest of us wait. Once the transaction is figured out, they have no concept of our currency and attempt to pay with currency that includes a coin with a whole in it.
11. People that are oblivious to the line that has wrapped around the building and walk right up to the clerk to ask a question while the rest of us wait.
12. People that wait until they get in line to write the letter or check that they are putting into the envelope that is not yet addressed. They do not move up when the line advances but if you attempt to go around them, they feel they have been violated and get all pissy. The one working pen (of course they did not think to bring one of their own) is chained to a position that does not allow them to progress. As a result, they totally violate the sanctity of the line while the rest of us wait.
13. People that seem to be amazed and surprised that there is a line during the holiday mailing season and find it necessary to grumble about it the entire time they are in line. They enter the Post Office already pissed off and their discontent elevates and branches out to include every government agency they can think of. I would love to offer them my advanced position next to B.O. person (see #7), but someone would go postal on me for allowing cuts.