Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sunday Scribblings - "Aging" - 3/29/09

The first thing that came to mind when I saw the Sunday Scribblings prompt of “Aging” is a line from Jeff Dunham’s very funny ventriloquist act: Jeff: “Women age like fine wine.” Walter (dummy): “She ages like milk.”

I think that 2008 was the year that I became aware I was curdling. I have always been reluctantly aware of aging, but last year it became impossible to remain in denial. If I were an automobile, every warning light would be illuminated and all gauges would be pegged to the minimum values. My doctor started using words like biopsy, nodule, mass, cyst, polyps, etc. And what is up with skin tags? I am getting so many of them I am starting to look like a Trill. I had x-rays, cat scans, and MRIs of body parts that doctors had never had any interest in before. Every time they ask my family history my response is met with a slight grimace and a worrisome amount of medical transcription. Both my parents died of metastatic cancer, origin unknown, at a fairly young age. I am careening towards that age.

The older that I get, the faster the months of the calendar tear off. Years, sometimes decades, pass without me really noticing. I have been divorced for over 22 years, much longer than I was married. I have been retired from the Air Force for over 16 years. I still have nightmares about both tours of duty. But most shocking to me is that the final episode of Seinfeld was broadcast 11 years ago. Of course that doesn’t stop me from watching reruns every day. I am certain that when the poet, Virgil, coined the phrase “tempus fugit” he was in my demographic.

Some of the aging signs are physical and some are mental. Some are subtle and some are dramatic and undeniable. As a very corporeal person, who considers himself ten feet tall and bullet proof, physical corrosions are the most obvious.

Not long ago, Skooter and I were walking on the beach. Some guys were tossing a football and it got loose near us. I picked it up and elected to throw it back to the guy who was about 30 yards down the beach. One thing I was blessed with was a very strong throwing arm. So I gauged the effort required to complete this pass with a tight spiral would be little more than a flick of the wrist. I cocked and fired and it flew like a duck that had been hit by anti-aircraft fire. Not only did it not make the 30 yards, it went end over end and did not fly out of my shadow. I think, even my dog was embarrassed by my futility. The only thing that could have been worse would have been an attempt to kick the ball and add a groin pull to my damaged pride. There was a similar event featuring an alligator and a golf ball that my son, Josh, revels in witnessing but I will not detail here.

My golf game has lost 50 yards of driving distance in recent years but I have not yet achieved the “old man” accuracy that usually replaces it.

There has been an irrefutable loss of mental acuity. I often enter a room without any knowledge of a reason for being there. I have often read several chapters of a book before realizing I had read it before. These small, seemingly insignificant, lapses are actually more disturbing than the expected physical deterioration. How close am I to being the guy who forgets to put his pants on before leaving the house?

But the most disconcerting indication of my aging is that I have reached that magical point in my life that a woman I find attractive and desirable may be interested in me as a dating possibility…………….for her mother. Stop laughing!!

13 comments:

jay said...

Hahaha! I think I might be in your demographic too!

Nicely written - great mix of humour and pathos. I salute you!

Tumblewords: said...

Nicely done - and I'm not laughing at you, but with you. Stuff happens.

GreenishLady said...

I'm sorry, .... I can't . Ok. Yes. I've stopped.... no, no... ah, ah... Ok... all done now. No more lau-ha-ha - ghing. Promise.

[I elected to ignore the prompt this week. Well done on tackling it! Hope you're going to be around a long, long time more]

Anonymous said...

While I enjoyed the humor in your post I also commiserate with the changes at this junture in life. Sleeping in until 7am has become the replacement for noon of years gone by. I find myself dating a younger man....who is 48. Whoo, I'm a cougar. I am grateful when I can stay up til 10pm. My thoughts and desires haven't changed, but to carry them out is laughable. Aging...inevitable, yes. Desirable, no.co

Songwraith said...

Amazing how neither alternative is an acceptable option--living through it all over again--or the dirt nap! ('Still getting used to your "...writing with a smirk.")

Anonymous said...

Okay. Haha and sniff sniff. This was a great post but I can never think of my parents as old. Love you old man. Carly

Redheels said...

Loved it!! You are a funny man.

I just have to say............ "aging" sucks.

Eaton Bennett said...

Aging is such a downright miserable subject, you summed it all up with humor and witt...and yeah, it sucks!!!!! :)

Redness said...

I was ready to send you a swift kick up the blurter when I thought you were wallowing ... but nope you've got what many don't, nor will ever have, the very best sense of humour ... hang on ... who are YOU???
Love and adore your excellent post!!!

Go Figure said...

Whale,
Hm, thanks for this post. I now know what to not look forward to when I get to be your age. HA!

myrtle beached whale said...

Redness: I have been known to wallow. We call it crying in your beer.

Go Figure: Haven't heard from you for a while. Thought I was boycotted by the Idaho Lawyers Potato Guild.

Yes, I think most of us agree. Aging sucks.

Robin said...

Ugh, skin tags, my nemesis...

Aging is not for the faint of heart, but at least it beats the alternative.

linda may said...

G'Day, hey mate you are not doing too badly in here all your comments are from females aren't they?
But aging , yep inevitable, can't stop it, just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.