Friday, June 29, 2007

Astrology - Sunday Scribblings

Astrology is nonsense, but it is benign nonsense. Much safer than religion. I doubt anyone has ever been persecuted or any wars have started over astrology. I don’t think anyone has gone postal because his or her horoscope indicated a bad day. So if you follow it, fine. But to think you can break down the entire human race into twelve personality types is ludicrous. I have met women with more personalities than that and have met many people with none at all. Maybe there should be a category for that. Your birth sign is Toxic. You have no personality at all. Do not mix with the rest of humanity.

I think the reason Astrology is so popular is that it appeals to our vanity. Many of the characteristics listed in Astrology summaries are very desirable: Honorable, Powerful, Natural Leader, Nurturing, Intelligent, Prosperous, etc. We read the traits of our particular sign and think, “yeah, that’s me.” I think often it is more like, “yeah, that’s who I’d like to be.” If you didn’t guess by the image above (your sign might be Moron), I am a Virgo. So lets examine my Astrological traits.

The Virgo is highly discriminating, but not necessarily as prudish at some might believe. In ancient times, a Virgin was a woman who was not the property of man, and therefore had the legal right to just say "no." Now, in modern times, you Virgos are known for your ability to be highly discriminating -- especially when it comes to matters of personal desire. When Virgo is ready, however, to say yes, the laser-like focus of your passion is anything but prudish.

That is true for me. It is prefered that the object of my desire be female and conscious. If that is discriminating, I am on board.

Virgo is the picky one of the zodiac signs, critical and fault finding with the keenest eye of all for details. This sign is wonderful at analyzing, critiquing, schedules and agendas. You Virgos have the uncanny sense to see what's wrong with a person, a situation or your environment. It's why Virgo makes such natural critics. Virgo practical analytical abilities are second to none. Your mental process may not be the most creative, but Virgo's razor-like thinking is highly effective. Like the maiden pictured in the Virgo glyph, you separate the useful wheat from the unneeded chafe, the good from the bad. Virgo might be a "clean freak," but most Virgos have a messy closet somewhere or a disaster under their bed.

So basically, we are nitpicking jerks. I have three children who would agree with this analysis. You have me there.

The Virgo motto could be "Perfect is almost good enough." On one hand, this trait makes you very employable, for you're not likely to do shabby work. On the other hand, you can be so finicky that you put limitations on your interactions and experiences before they happen. You'll be happier if you can learn to be selectively less critical, both of others and yourself.

I have a bevy of former bosses who would beg to differ.

Element: Earth
Earth signs are naturally practical. In this lifetime we are bound to Earth. There is no escaping the reality around us The Earth is about as real as it gets; it can be felt, weighed and it has substance. Accordingly, the earth signs base their life on what is real, not what is imagined. Sensation is valued over thoughts or feelings. Earth signs live with their feet on the ground. Others seek their advice because of their basic sensibility. For earth signs, seeing is believing.

The earth of Virgo is a changeable earth, light to the touch. It's about practical analysis -- using mental tools to discern the best use for what is around us.

This must explain my hesitance to embrace religion and why I don’t believe in Astrology. Too much speculation and belief in dogma required. I do espouse tangible things like money and blondes. .

Sixth House: Work
The Sixth House is about the regular performance of work-related tasks. This isn't necessarily about career. It's about the job you have that buys the bread for the table. This sector is also where we look to find out about health and healing, for it's not only work routine, but also our daily habits of hygiene.

I bathe and brush my teeth regularly. Too bad about the other 11 signs. Dirty bastards.

Key Planet: Mercury
Mercury, the Messenger of the Gods, moves around the Sun faster than any other planet. He symbolizes our thoughts -- not only how we think, but how we communicate. In fact, Mercury is in charge of all language. Mercury is our active and rational mind. It is not only "just the facts" but also what we do with them. As the key planet of Virgo, Mercury is about intellectual discrimination. It's the binary function of the neurons in our brain. They either fire and impulse or they don't. Mercury here is about the basic "yes" or "no" decision that must be made for every piece of information that enters our consciousness.

I don’t even understand this gibberish.

Virgo Greatest Strength: Your ability to focus your attention

Good to know that my ADD and OCD do not exist. I am going off my medication immediately.

Virgo Possible Weakness: Need for perfection gets in the way of enjoyment

Condoms are a must. STDs get in the way of enjoyment.

So all of us Virgos are clean, critical, discriminating, hard working people who are such miserable souls that we are destined to spend our life alone, cleaning stuff. Well, maybe I do believe in Astrology after all. Maybe I should find me a nice Virgo woman and we can focus our attention on destroying each other with criticism and spending our lives totally dissatisfied with each other. Any takers?.

I don’t often pay attention to detail (not very Virgonian) so if the topic this week was actually Astronomy, please disregard all of this.


Lucy said...

Mr. Whale! You have me hysterically laughing! From your line about your 3 children agreeing to the line about the other signs being dirty bastards. What an entertaining read! Loved what you did with the prompt. :))

myrtle beached whale said...

you were the first to read it or at least the first to admit to reading it. I appreciate your kind words.

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Love the Toxic category. . .for those who have no personality. Now you just need a name for those with multiple personalities. How about Psycho?

You could write a book about the earth bound signs that describe real people. . .

Loud people, invisible people, etc.

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Oh, and good point about all the traits being positive. No one is going to admit they want to have an explosive temper, or dull wit, or disgusting habits. . . No one would "buy into" the system if those were the characteristics.

raymond pert said...

The description of Virgo left out some important features of Mr. Myrtle:

-- loves fast cars
-- nasty curve ball
-- complete smart ass
-- fan of the Yankees (faded?)
-- fan of Steppenwolf, Cream, Cold Blood, Beatles

I'm sure there's more it missed...these just seemed obvious if Astrology can be trusted

myrtle beached whale said...


Remember the song back in the early seventies, Desiderata. Then National Lampoon made a parody of it, Deteriorata. All this Astrology talk makes me think of it:


You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Ro-tate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!

Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.


You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.


You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.



You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

myrtle beached whale said...


Fine analysis, but if I tried to throw a nasty curve today I would have a nasty torn ligament or cartilage or whatever is holding me together. I used to throw football with my sons when they were young teenagers. I would send them out 40 or 50 yards and throw a perfect spiral to them. Not long ago on the beach some kids were throwing a football and it got loose so I lumbered over and picked it up. I went to toss it back to them and it went end over end about 15 yards. It looked like it had been shot out of the sky with a shotgun. I needed a cutoff man to return it to them. Getting old sucks ass.

raymond pert said...

You could throw a football fifteen yards. I wish I could. If I stood in front of Mom's house in the street and fired a football at her house, it wouldn't hit the porch. I envy your arm. Even in old age!

myrtle beached whale said...


I think they already have one for multiple personalities. It is called Gemini. But maybe that is limited to two so maybe Diversity or Proteus (you may need to look that one up.

gautami tripathy said...

Do they have a song exclusively for Aries..?


myrtle beached whale said...


Turns out there is an Aries song. Not a great one. I think I could do better if I set my mind to it. I am a Virgo after all.

Sian said...

Re: alternative signs
Billy Conolly states that he is a Pyrex as he was a test tube baby.

Thanks for a great laugh Myrtle. Particularly liked the dirty bastards line :) Very Virgoan

myrtle beached whale said...

Billy Connolly is one of the funniest people on earth. "I want to grow old disgracefully." A lot of Americans don't get him because of the Glasgow accent. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Gill said...

LOL! great post.

Tammy said...

I'm a Virgo/Libra cusp kid and really am more of a Virgo. Critical, analytical and a clean freak with a messy closet does not fit a Libra quite as well. :)

myrtle beached whale said...

so what about me. I am a clean freak too lazy to clean so I sit miserably in squalor. There is so much dust on my tv screen that I am watching a golf tournament that looks like it is being played inside a coal mine.

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Proteus: the first transformer. Loved the song lyrics. Never really cared for the original - too cheesy.

By the way. . .who needs to dust? After all isn't dust the result of dusting?

Awareness said...

Oh, you are a skeptical Virgo you are......

as I am.....

Loved this post and could relate to the critical analysis, the perfection thing and your sense of humour.

ps. love Billy Connelly....Do you know the song...."Oh you cannot shuck your grannie off the bus?" I taught my kids this song when they were wee. :)

sundaycynce said...

Very entertaining. I enjoyed the read. However, I have to say if I were Virgo, I don't think I would have laughed as often. You haven't really shown them in a very flattering light.

But you did have fun and created some fun for readers. I guess that is what this was really all about anyway.

myrtle beached whale said...

I call them as I see them.