Saturday, June 23, 2007

I Have a Secret - Sunday Scribblings


If I told my secret to the half dozen strangers who read my blog each Sunday, then it would not be a secret, now would it? Not that I have a secret, but if I did and I revealed it here I would have to fly around the world and whack each and every person that commented on my blog on Sunday Scribblings. That could get very expensive having to fly to Oregon, Idaho, India, England, Australia, California, Italy, Massechusettes, Washington State, Florida, Georgia, North Carolina, and Herbsylvania (there is such a place, ask Herb). OK, I could drive to North Carolina, Georgia, and Florida but I would have to get a rental car or maybe jack one so that my own vehicle would not be spotted at the crime scene. I could probably combine Oregon, Idaho, California, and Washington State into one trip, so that is doable. To the locations I would have to fly to I would be confronted by today's increased airport security and I could not bring my Glock with me so there is that inconvenient 5 day waiting period before I could buy some heat to bust a cap. And you can't even buy a handgun in England and many other third-world countries, so I would be forced to kill the foreign Sunday Scribblers with a claymore or a fireplace poker. Then there would be some kind of lobby against fireplace pokers. Remember, "claymores don't kill people, people kill people." I would miss too much work and Costco would fire me, leaving me without income or prospects. I would soon become homeless and have to live in a Kenmore dryer box. I could die of KFC dumpster poisoning, rabid rat bites, frostbite or hypothermia (not likely in South Carolina but my resistance would be down). I would be without healthcare, and I am not an illegal alien, so I would have to be treated by a massage therapist and aromatherapy cannot cure the plague (I looked it up). I would be so overcome with guilt over killing all of you (well, some of you) that I would simply lose the will to live. My death would be on your hands. So that is why I am not telling you my secret and I think it was rude of you to ask.

23 comments:

raymond pert said...

Whisper it to me. I won't tell.

myrtle beached whale said...

Well, it involves a goat, a bag of oranges, a seven iron, a two by four, a pair of argyle socks, and a compass.

gautami tripathy said...

You missed out India!

myrtle beached whale said...

that oversight has been corrected.

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Thanks - I don't really want to know, and I certainly don't want to be bumped off for knowing. Thanks - you just saved my life, and the lives of all your readers. (But you had me worried there).

Pert must be fearless. . .

Herb Urban said...

You could hit Herbsylvania on your way from Seattle to Idaho. Anything involving a goat and a 2x4 would make the front pages of the local paper, so you'd better whisper your secret in passing.

Gill said...

Well you can tell me - I'm in South Africa, so you could easily hire a hitman to pop me off, there's one on every corner you know ;-)

Gill said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rob Kistner said...

...rude, you think that's rude? ... you ain't seen rude yet... ;)

sognatrice said...

Argyle socks? Oh the humanity!

myrtle beached whale said...

Gill:
South Africa, that is a whole new kettle of tilapia. This is going to dramatically increase my expenses. It is not like I can drop by and dispatch you on the way to somewhere else, unless I can pick up a reader in Namibia or Antarctica. Thanks for the offer to hire someone else to monkey-flip you, but that would create a whole new secret and you can see the implications.

Herb:
AHA, I know you are trying to confuse me as I know there is nothing between Seattle and Idaho, much less a newspaper.

dailypanic said...

so you hated the argyle socks your neighbor wore and sunk his golf ball on hole 7 with a seven iron, so you took a compass and found the goat farm where you pryed loose the 2x4 that kept it in the fence and bribed it with the bag of oranges to go into your neighbors yard long enough for it to chew up all of his manicured lawn...
it would have been better if you had just bought him another pair of argyle socks that you like...
oops... I'll be the first you have to find!!!!

myrtle beached whale said...

Dailypanic:

Damn, now I have to add Alabama to my hit list. And I was so accustomed to going to the bathroom indoors. Where is my passport? I think you have hit on something. Perhaps I should challenge readers to use my clues and guess my secret. Yours was very creative. If I was rating responses yours would be in first place. Oh yeah, you were the only response to hazard a guess.

Patois said...

I'm really afraid to comment. A claymore sounds like a bad way to go.

myrtle beached whale said...

Patois:

You are in luck. Won't need the sword in California. Guns are everywhere. I can get one from any Rapper or NFL player.

Amber said...

You don't fillet people, do you?

myrtle beached whale said...

No, and I don't eat their liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti, ffffffffffffffff. Pretty much just a simple liquidation, very impersonal.

sundaycynce said...

Clever take on this nosey prompt. We surely wouldn't want you to end up homeless in a dryer carton. Otherwise, Pinehurst pretty well nailed my feelings---we appreciate your considerate secrecy.

raymond pert said...

Do you remember when at that other Pinehurst course, the one with brown grass and greens the size of dinner plates, and just as hard, when you played an entire round with a seven iron and putter? You hit the green on #4 with your seven iron. I laughed so hard that round it almost cured my big banana slice! Were you wearing argyles? Did a goat come on the course from Glen Exum's backyard on #7? Did you whack Cruikshank with a 2X4? Did you pull a tee shot so badly on #5 we needed a compass (and Fred Blackwell's dog) to find your ball? Did we carry oranges to refresh ourselves that round?

The secret might be out.

myrtle beached whale said...

Maybe the goat was wearing the argyle socks. That really made me smile. I hadn't thought of Blackwell or Cruikshank in years. Cruikshank was always good to us kids.

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Hey, you guys aren't discussing the course in my favorite place are ya?
I used to swing a few with Terry Jaynes. . .back in the days of pink crushed velvet hot pants and striped shirts. Stepped on a bee walking down the 8th fairway, I believe. All that clover. . .

Anyway, I have a couple of relatives in S. Africa. One lives in Cape Town, the other is a visiting exchange student, but I'm not sure which University. . .
Just in case you need connections.

Pinehurst in my Dreams said...

Dang - I forgot to tell you I visited the Blue Man Group clip. I got kinda freaked out by the chick with the Martian voice - I mean it was "out there."

Also visited Gathering's secret and superimposed her secret onto yours. Yup, almost word for word.

I'm not coming to your all woman weekend! And I was invited because she said so!

myrtle beached whale said...

Pinehurst:

I remember Terry Jaynes. His dad was a state policeman named Mel. Click on the third Blue Man Group video. It features one of the better voices in the world. They are amazing live.