Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sunday Scribblings - First Date - 1/13/08

It was 1987. He was recently divorced and had finally decided to get back in the saddle, so to speak. He met an attractive young high school teacher at the gym. Twenty years later he spends an equal amount of time in a gym as in church. His body and soul both show the neglect. But I digress.

After a lot of consternation, he decided to ask her out on a date. Since his last first date was in 1971, he was uncertain of where to go. After talking to some of his more date-savvy friends, he opted for dinner and a movie. Particularly appealing after a lot of graphic references to “butter blouse.” Plus you don't have to talk. He made a mental note to get plenty of napkins.

Dinner goes fairly well. After talking to some of her more date-savvy friends, she had a salad, which is a girl’s traditional first date meal. Though she would rather have steak and lobster, the salad sends two messages. 1) that she is not a big, fat, pig and 2) the less he spends the less he will expect after the date. They also help her choose her wardrobe. A bra that would stop a .38 round and a blouse she had no affinity for. They know about “butter blouse” too.

Since the community he lived in only had a single screen theater, there was no movie choice to make. A hot, new, film, “Fatal Attraction”, was showing. The poster said it was a love story. A perfect first date movie. This was going to be great. Wrong!!!!

There definitely was no “butter blouse.” In fact, after an uncomfortably silent, high speed, drive to her residence, there was no goodnight kiss attempted or expected. Leaving the car running prevented any misunderstanding about coming in for a “drink”. He left her on her porch fiddling for keys and ran to the car and locked the doors.

He peeled out like he had just gotten the green flag at Daytona. He has remained single for 21 years. This movie still creeps him out.

Here are two first dates worse than mine:

Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte in the lodge.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".


tumblewords said...

Fatal Attraction! LOL Not a first date movie. No way! Freezing to a fender sounds like the worst kind of date...fortunately it didn't begin with a showing of FA first. Funny post!

Anonymous said...

That movie should have been an OMEN! Very, funny. I loved this -- reading it was a fun ride.

myrtle beached whale said...

nowadays you could go online and check a movie out before you see it. then, you had to trust the poster. it didn't look THAT bad.

Chris said...

Fun stories! If you made the last one up you're a genius. Ether way great stories.

myrtle beached whale said...

unfortunately, I can take no credit for the second story. It was told on the Tonight Show by an audience member. I have no reason to believe it is not true.

gautami tripathy said...

So would you like to go on a date with me? I assure you I won't order salad or watch movies. As for butter blouses, hell with them!

The second story is one of the best I heard in a long time!

Awareness said...

That was HILARIOUS! It seems like such a Canadian date story. Yes, it most definately could happen.

myrtle beached whale said...

I suppose I need to define "butter blouse" as for some reason it comes across vague. It is a term that I have coined for the residue left behind on the front of a woman's blouse after being groped in a theater by a man who has just eaten popcorn w/butter. It was a feable attempt at being clever.

forgetfulone said...

So glad you defined butter blouse! I must say that was quite a date. Freezing to a fender would be worse for me, but dinner and Fatal Attractin - that kinda sets a tone, doesn't it? Enjoyed your writing.

Anonymous said...

I've never understood "dinner and a movie" as a first date... how do you get to know someone when you can't even talk to them? But in this case, it seems like a great choice... remember we're laughing with you, not at you!


Tammy said...

First dates are never easy but they can turn into a funny story dwn the road.

LOL at the butt adventure. ;)

Penelope Anne said...

Here I thought butter blouse is what happens to me, spills from the dinner ~ your definition is funnier and better.

Yeah, bad movie for a first date.
Our movie was "Home Alone"

Penelope Anne

myrtle beached whale said...

I think the only movie that might have been worse would have been "Schindler's List."

Melanie said...

Thanks so much for joining Blogaholics Anonymous! I've added you to the blogroll. Welcome to the club.
Livin' With Me

keith hillman said...

A really scarey movie is a good bet for a first date. Works wonders!

Herb Urban said...

Fatal Attraction is a fine choice for a first date, if you both possess a deep seeded hatred for rabbits and ex spouses. It made for a great read. Getting back on the proverbial horse after a divorce can never be easy, so you get points in my book for taking that plunge.

Redness said...

So very funny - loved you take as always! Glad you found the Blogaholics link too ... keep the fun happening!!

Shyam said...

Ow, I almost gave myself a hernia trying not to laugh while reading this (I'm at work!)... obvious answer being not to read this at work - but I cant resist funny reads! Hooray, I've found me a great blog to read! :)

By the way, that second story - SURELY it isnt true??? :D