The Plan - A One Act Play

Last evening I watched a very interesting interview of Princes William and Harry by Matt Lauer. I think that interview will spark several Blogs from me depending upon how motivated I become. The first of this series (and possibly last) is a one-act play I have written:

The scene is Buckingham Palace Gardens on a cloudy (imagine that) June afternoon. There are two people seated on a bench in the garden, Queen Elizabeth II and her son Prince Charles. For simplicity and because I am lazy, their names will be shortened but even the most unsophisticated reader should be able to follow the conversation. For maximum authenticity, the reader should read aloud in a posh British accent.

PC: “Mummy, will I ever be King?”

QE2: “My darling: aren’t you happy being the Prince of Wales?”

PC: “Wales is shit, mummy.

QE2: “Is that proper language for the heir to the throne to use?”

PC: “Sorry, mummy, but I so want to be king. I have heard from Mel Brooks that it is good to be king.”

QE2: Laughing. “Well at least you are not the pissboy.”

PC: "Sometimes I feel like the pissboy. Oh mummy, you are 81, don’t you want to retire?”

QE2: “My dear boy, it is also good to be queen.”

PC: “Please mummy, I implore you.”

QE2: “Charles, we have discussed this many times, must we revisit?”

PC: “But Mummy, I am nearly 60 years old. I fear that if I am not crowned soon my prostate will be the size of a football before I am seated on the throne.”

QE2: “You know I love you Charles, but there are certain factors at play here that have caused me not to relinquish my crown to you. But there is a plan afoot.”

PC: “Please expound, Mummy. What is the plan for me.”

QE2: “Why must you force me to hurt your feelings? You know how upset you get.”

PC: “I know, but I must understand.”

QE2: “One reason you have not been promoted is the currency.”

PC: “How so?”

QE2: “It appears that no one wants your likeness on it. Parliament is afraid it will devalue the pound sterling.

PC: (under his breath) “But the picture of you is 50 years old, you wrinkled old hag.”

QE2: “What did you say?”

PC: “Nothing. They could use Photoshop and make me look any way they want. Granted, I am not Brad Pitt, but who in this country is, what with his straight teeth?”

QE2: "You do look a bit like that American, what is his name, Newman?"

PC: "Oh, Paul Newman, thanks Mum, everyone likes him."

QE2: "No, no, I think his name is Alfred E. Newman."

PC: "Oh mother, you can be very hurtful when you set your mind to it."

QE2: “Regardless Charles, we are opting for your son, William. Lovely boy, that?”

PC: “But he is the spitting image of me, mum.”

QE2: “Oh, dear boy, that Skywalker lad favored Darth Vader more than William does you. To be honest, Ladbrokes gives Sir Elton John better odds of being crowned than you. But there is the problem of whether he would be king or queen.” Chuckles.

PC: Jumping to his feet. “Mother, you insensitive shrew, you are a hateful bitch!!!!”

QE2: “Previous queens would have taken your head for speaking in that tone.”

PC: “About the only thing you can take from me that you haven’t already is my Capital One card.”

QE2: “Speaking of plastic, how is Camilla?”

PC: Sits back down. “She is fine, but can’t you accept the fact that I love her and treat her with due respect?”

QE2: “I don’t know what you are talking about, Charles, I have given her a quite noble title”

PC: “I wanted to talk to you about that. It was very hurtful to call her the Duchess of Skank. There is no such place in the commonwealth. We googled it”

QE2: “How many times must I apologize? It was an innocent mistake. It has been officially corrected and now she is Duchess of Cornwall. Doesn’t that sound nice?"

PC: “But Mum, the press always call her the Duchess of Cornhole, and sometimes I can hear her late at night, crying.”

QE2: “You should keep the kennel door closed.”

PC: Rising once again. “Mother!!!!!!!”

QE2: “Sorry Charles, it is just that she looks a bit like someone who is constantly smelling flatulence. Diana was such a lovely girl. Isn't the entire purpose of cheating, to improve one's prospects?”

PC: "But Mother, Diana cheated."

QE2: "My point exactly."

PC: "But he was a simple stablehand."

QE2: "You are not advancing your argument."

PC: "But I am a royalty, what could she possibly have seen in him?"

QE2: Does not respond, but looks dreamily into space and smiles slightly.

PC: “Mum, you hated Diana.”

QE2: “True, she was a free spirit, a rebel, but Phillip and I did like the fact that after centuries of inbreeding she actually put a fork in the family tree.

PC: "I did think it odd that many of the Royals had only one grandfather."

QE2: And let’s face it Charles, she gave you two beautiful sons. And the world loved her.”

PC: “Must I always hear those whispers? People say, "beautiful Diana, beautiful sons, fortunate to favor her, wonder who is the birth father" It is all quite tiring?”

QE2: “Nevertheless, Charles, I have decreed, your son William is to be the next King of England.”

PC: “Only if you outlive me, mother.”

QE2: “That is the plan, my dear.”