Shampoo For Dummies - 11/19/08

I had to buy shampoo today. I had run out of all the little bottles that I had stolen off of various hotel housekeeping carts through the years. Shopping for shampoo at Wal-Mart made me think about my youth.

When I was a kid, whether a person had silky smooth hair, nappy hair, or hair the texture of broom straw, there were essentially two shampoo choices. There was Prell, the most advertised product. The major selling point for Prell was that if you dropped a pearl into it, the pearl would slowly float to the bottom. This test proved how rich, thick and luxurious this shampoo was. Therefore, it would do wonders for your hair. Since pearls are not indigenous to Northern Idaho, I had to take their word for it. Using that theory, Guinness Stout, Quaker State Motor Oil, or Mrs. Butterworth’s Syrup would be excellent hair products. I expect that Prell was in ninety percent of the bathrooms in America. There were other brands, but they didn’t really compete. Alberto VO5 sounded like a brand of alcoholic beverage. White Rain had perverse sexual connotations.






The other popular product was Head and Shoulders. It was not so much popular, as people bought it out of fear and shame. The advertising for it was some poor schmuck on a date and his shoulders were covered with flakes of dead skin. The commercial treated dandruff with the same disdain as head lice. Suddenly people were inspecting each other like monkeys nit-picking in a zoo. As a teenager, it was as embarrassing to buy Head and Shoulders Shampoo as it was to purchase feminine products for one’s mother. Through Head and Shoulders has since become more mainstream and has worked hard to eliminate the negative connotations. It has thrived.

In the past few years I had purchased my shampoo at Costco, where they only have a couple of choices. Well, that is kind of a lie. I think there was one purchase several years ago. When you purchase a 55 gallon drum of shampoo at Costco, it lasts quite some time. I recently bought dryer sheets there and if I do the math I am certain there will be dryer sheets in my estate. It is a bit sad when your goal in life is to outlive your Bounce.

Venturing into the Health and Beauty area of Wal-Mart was overwhelming. There were two complete aisles of shampoos and conditioners. I had used Pantene Pro-V before (even though it sounds like a brand of golf ball), so I thought I would pick up a bottle of it. Not easily done. There was nearly half an aisle of Pantene. Volume, texture, extra body, shine, full and thick, frizzy and unmanageable, moisturizing, shiny, silky, smooth, color revitalizing……………..and normal. So, what is normal? Do I have normal hair? Compared to what? And where was the Prell? There was no Prell. I don’t even know if they still make it. And when did Australia become the center of the hair care world? Half an aisle is devoted to that distant island continent.

In spite of the multitude of products available at Wal-mart, the woman who cuts my hair claims they all have the same ingredients as bathroom floor cleaner and if I use any of them my hair will fall out like a chemo patient. She recommends a product (which coincidentally she sells) that guarantees to make my hair rich, thick and luxurious (flashback to Prell). Her product also is sold by the gram, like gold. Apparently, if your shampoo is not developed by a gay man in Beverly Hills, it is crap.

Well, I selected the Pantene for normal hair. I figured that it was the most middle of the road choice, like medium salsa. I took it to the checkout and the woman who rang it up looked at the label and casually glanced up at my hair. The subtle roll of her eyes told me I had chosen the wrong product. I knew it! I should have gone with the unmanageable. At least she didn’t look at my shoulders.

Incidentally, I hate shopping at Wal-Mart, but I had to buy fishing worms anyway. And Wal-mart is a great source of worms.